Paid Paternity Leave Isn’t A “Perk” For Dads: It’s A Crucial Necessity For Families And Societies

I’m about four weeks away from my due date, which means my family and I are in full-on prep mode for parental leave. While parental leave is the norm practically everywhere else in the world (not just in “wealthy” countries: Colombia’s working mothers, for instance, are entitled to 18 weeks of fully paid leave for the birth of their child), it’s a luxury here in the States.

When my husband and I had our first child in 2016, we were fortunate that his company offered 6 weeks of paternity leave — quite “generous” by US standards. That time was much needed for all three of us to bond and adjust to our new rhythms as a family; it was a sweet cocoon that we’ll cherish forever.

But the day my husband went back to work, I closed the door behind him, sat down next to my baby and cried in despair.

You see, those 6 weeks with my spouse at home weren’t just a sweet time to admire our new baby: they were the hardest times of my life, and a ton of work for the two of us. I was sleep-deprived, exhausted, my body slowly healing from the birth, unable to do much around the house. During those 6 weeks, my main job was to care for and nurse my baby while healing myself.

PSA: That in itself is enough work for someone who’s just spent 9 exhausting months pregnant and went through the marathon that we call childbirth.

My husband’s job during his paternity leave was to keep our family functioning: cook, clean, do laundry, clean up baby messes, change diapers, grocery shopping and anything that required the least bit of physical effort (like getting a pot from a low kitchen cabinet). He also provided much-needed emotional support and encouragement, which made me feel acknowledged and gave me strength on tough days (there are many with a newborn). I was useless without him, and my ability to take good care of my baby was 100% dependent on him being there to handle everything else for us.

TMI alert: My sutures came undone about 10 days postpartum, which meant I had to go back to the clinic and get re-stitched and then my healing process had to start all over again. It was back to bed rest for me and I needed help with every small task.

Now, what would I have done if my spouse had already gone back to work by this point? How would I have bathed my baby alone or walked her around the house to go to sleep, when I was supposed to keep my physical activity close to zero to heal my body?

When the six weeks were up, baby and I were nowhere near ready to be “on our own”. I was still so physically weak, so tired, so discombobulated and still so dependent on his support just to get through the day. And I was one of the “privileged” ones to have both maternity leave for myself and my spouse supporting me for the first six weeks!

I remember thinking about most mothers in the US who aren’t so fortunate, and feeling angry:

“What cruel society is set up for mothers to be abandoned like this when they’re so fragile, and still in need of so much crucial help with a new baby?”

It really dawned on me that paternity leave is not just for the father (or the non-birthing parent), it’s a vital necessity for the mother so that she doesn’t fall apart. Why is this so hard to understand, prioritize and honor, as a society?

When I hear new fathers in the US telling me that in 2021, they’re getting 3 days, or 5 days of paternity leave from their employer, my heart breaks not only for those fathers, but doubly so for the mothers who are being left to fend by themselves when they’re probably not even able to walk to the kitchen on their own just yet. After 3 days postpartum, I know I wasn’t even able to get out of bed without help. I simply couldn’t have managed alone, without compromising my physical and mental health.

I know why most companies don’t offer paternity leave in this country: with no federally mandated policy and no government support, businesses simply look at the short-term costs of offering paternity leave and make the decision to not offer it. It’s a financial decision.

But we forget that withholding paternity leave has high costs, societal and human costs, that we all end up bearing in the end.

There are studies (like this one by McKinsey & Co.) showing that when fathers take leave, it benefits everyone…

Fathers have closer bonds with their children
Fathers who not only take leave, but participate in the care of the baby help mitigate mother’s postpartum depression
Fathers who enjoy paid leave discover a newfound appreciation for their employer and may likely be more inclined to stay and perform well at work. (On the flip side, fathers whose companies offer dismal or no paid paternity leave may not see themselves at that company long-term. In the confidential conversations I had with fathers who got little or no paternity leave, this factor influenced how they felt about the company and they said they would be looking for work elsewhere as soon as things felt more stable on the home front.

So what can you do if you’re on the fence about whether to offer paternity leave at your company?

The first step is to get off the fence, decide once and for all that you will do the right thing, and start taking steps towards making it happen. Chances are you haven’t yet done any research, and you’re just making assumptions about what it would mean to offer paid leave.

Next, get some support. Here’s an organization dedicated to making paid leave in the US a reality: Paid Leave US (PL+US)

I know that 25 years from now, we will look back at the days of no-paternity leave and shake our heads in disbelief, like it was a barbaric way to live. Why not get on the right side of history now, by being one of the leaders who led the way in making paid paternity leave the norm?